


Nobler to Have Suffered

by littledust



Category: X/1999
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-20
Updated: 2006-02-20
Packaged: 2017-10-17 21:52:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/181542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littledust/pseuds/littledust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The odds and ends of a life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nobler to Have Suffered

**Author's Note:**

> The odds and ends of a life. For the #18 "Black" theme from [](http://community.livejournal.com/fanfic100/profile)[**fanfic100**](http://community.livejournal.com/fanfic100/). Dedicated to [](http://ripedecay.livejournal.com/profile)[**ripedecay**](http://ripedecay.livejournal.com/), who requested S&S and small things. ♥ Original OTP, everybody. I missed these two.

It burned his fingers to fold Seishirou's ofuda into the shape of a paper crane but he kept at it, sitting alone in his apartment, cigarette burning in the ashtray beside him. Some mad impulse had driven Subaru to keep a single ofuda after their most recent battle, some inexplicable urge had moved his hands to tuck the scrap of paper into his coat, over his heart, where it lay like a guilty secret. Coming home, lighting up, he removed it, studied it, decided to shape it into something other than it was. Something else, something different.

At first he had wanted only to rub out the inverted pentagram, but realized it would have been more of the same.

The creation of paper wings cut. Subaru sucked on the hurt tip of his finger, reflecting that the course of flight never did run smooth. There were so many things to clip against, to keep one grounded. A drop of his blood quivered delicately on the origami crane like a teardrop, almost fell but instead hissed and evaporated. Subaru held the small thing in the palm of his hand and was not very surprised when a larger hand closed around that, careful not to crush. Careful.

"How like you to make something beautiful," Seishirou murmured, and Subaru closed his eyes and leaned back into the quasi-embrace; it was inevitable, like a progression of chords. Wings stirred against the cage of his fingers, beating frantically like a heart, imprisoned even as it yearned for open skies and freedom.

Subaru said, "I wish it were." Their fingers opened and the paper crane took wing, making its way out of the open balcony door Seishirou must have come through, its movements swift and purposeful, as if it had some idea where to go, what to do with its abrupt liberation.

"It is, Subaru-kun."

In the setting sun, the wings glinted not black but some shade of gray.

  
* * * * *

  
It was after another battle that he found a button.

There it gleamed, incongruous with what he knew of Seishirou. The man was deadly and fascinating and mysterious, never one for such ordinary incidents as a button popping off, leaving an empty space on an otherwise elegant jacket, limp threads dangling and obvious as a hole punctured in a painting. In a heart.

Subaru picked up the button and wandered the streets of Tokyo for a time, aimless and unaware of the fine, misting rain that cast a slight sheen over everything, making it all not quite real. He walked through crowds alone, past clusters of umbrellas (like tulips), past empty alleyways, past the occasional streetlight, all just coming on in the approaching dark. His subconscious would take him where he needed to go; not all those who are lost will wander.

Seishirou let him in after he went up the long flights of stairs, which was before he knocked on the door. Subaru glanced around, shy and curious and terrified all at once, found only monochromatic furnishings with the occasional dash of color. Seishirou in the meantime had found needle and thread and coat, smile a little wry after Subaru presented the button.

It was only a matter of minutes to fix the button, thanks to years of helping Hokuto out in small ways, little things that he had time for, small things that he wished for still. It seemed a silly thing to repair, after he had done the damage himself, especially considering the damage Seishirou had caused and continued to inflict upon him. It seemed right, somehow. Task completed, Subaru rose to go and Seishirou draped the trenchcoat around him; it was only then that Subaru noticed he was cold from walking around in such chilly weather. It was only then he felt the heat in Seishirou's gaze and wondered for the first time how he could feel naked with an extra layer on.

Seishirou drew him close and said "Thank you" before kissing him. Subaru thought that if only he had known he would have brushed his teeth more recently than early in the morning; it seemed terribly rude not to, as it was around ten at night. All anachronistic adolescent panic aside, the kiss drove the cold away.

"You should go," Seishirou said, and stroked his cheek.

"I want to stay."

It is impossible to deny the request of one who never makes them.

  
* * * * *

  
He expected the smallest things to undo him After--the stir of sakura petals without conscious intent, the wafting of cigarette smoke, the unsaid words like _I love you_ and _You are everything_. Sleeping in a hollow created in a mattress by a body larger than his, Subaru did not feel much of anything in the face of the one big thing, the End. And so he slept like an innocent, rendered childlike by events beyond his control.

Subaru wore Seishirou's clothing and buried himself in the familiar scent, but something was off until he started killing, and then he smelled like him all the time and it was a comforting thing and he still slept peacefully at night.

"I loved him and I am in love with him," he said to his new _Kamui_ one day, who did not need an explanation. He was good for understanding things like that.

Or, "I think days are beads. You can count them and they click together. One, two, three..."

Or, "Red and white are lovers. Because of the blood and the coat. Black has holes in it--"

"...four, five, six..."

"--and there is no gray anymore."

He hoped for release from the burden of all the days, the weight of all the beads yet left on his lifespan. Kamui and Fuuma died and the world did not end, and his sentence was that much longer, but he bore it well (wore it well, in those clothes, like Hokuto always wanted except not ever like this) because it was Seishirou's Wish and it was the least he could do, really.

He had heard that plants flourished better if you showered them with affection, but all he could do was pat the Tree awkwardly as it fed on bodies, unable to summon any words.


End file.
